A Break.

I’m in the middle of a break. And this is not the break that the lockdown brought with it. The lockdown, in fact, brought with it a whole new definition of productivity. I have busted my ass off in these 2 months, I still don’t feel it’s enough and I took this break to try to be okay with it.

A break can mean different things. It really depends on what you take the break from. The last break I took shattered me in a way that I can’t even talk about it without sobbing, it was too painful. 2019 was too painful. It took me a couple of friends and a dozen of reassurances to help me take a step back, because this is what I needed for myself, without realizing it. That’s because I’m always striving to keep myself busy and complaining about not having me-time, altogether. In the past year, I’ve learnt to be there for people and for myself simultaneously. And every time I let forces out of my control bring me down, I allow myself a week of getting back together. And the next morning? I focus all my attention on myself – how to become better, stronger, and mindful of how much of myself I give away.

You see? That’s a break. Our breaks have an impact on the shapes of our souls. That’s where the learning happens. The introspecting, the rewinding, the 360-degree view, and promises of not behaving in a certain way, ever again.

So in this break, I’ll relax. I’ll be happy in what I can achieve, my efforts, my preferences and my little accomplishments and failures. I will not be affected by what others choose to do in their funny version of quarantine. I do not need to prove myself to anyone. And I certainly do not need to run in this stupid race, I deny to even be a part of it. I was raised to be human, not a rat.

I’ll also mute that horrible tech community telegram group where students younger than me discuss about the skills they’re mastering. I say horrible because the notifications, and I’m not kidding, make my blood run cold, like whoa shit I’m wasting time while others are moving past me, I should be coding!! There are people who put whatsapp stories of the minor updates in a software. “Imagine the kind of loser he is,” said a friend to cheer me up. I have to filter out the noise on LinkedIn, that’s literally what most of it is.

You know the crazy thing is, if they lift the lockdown tomorrow, I’m gonna be unsatisfied as hell with how I spent my days. Sure, I’m proud of the projects I made or courses I finished, but heck, this is never what I have in mind when I pray for just one peaceful day while commuting in the packed-as-usual 7:47 am train. My 2020 resolution list had 20 (+1) points and none of them were about academics! So yeah, I’m gonna read and workout and water my plants, do justice to the hobbies I left behind. Maybe even help mom. This break will surely be freeing.